Dependence…Co-dependence…Inter-dependence…
What do these words mean and how do they apply to relationship?
Well, you probably all have a fairly clear idea of what dependence means…no freedom of choice!
As a small child you are a dependent. As an adult, if you have the mentality of a child and have never matured, you will look for others to depend upon. When you are a dependent, you have no freedom of choice.
Co-dependence is a little different.
If you are in a co-dependent relationship, you agree to always agree with each other. Members of a co-dependent relationship have no freedom. They cannot afford to have an opinion of their own. Only one opinion can be held by ‘the group’…that of the leader…and if you don’t agree, you will get the cold shoulder…the silent treatment. Essentially, you will be emotionally shut out because the other party sees your independence as a challenge to their control over you. They will feel betrayed by your independence so you choose the path of least resistance, agreement…for a quiet life…until you have almost lost your sense of ‘self’ completely.
Is this familiar? Even that word indicates family…familiar. Families are famous for co-dependent relationships, supported through emotional manipulation and control.
Inter-dependence is what we are looking for if we are conscious and free within an intimate relationship. Inter-dependence relies on the individuals involved having the courage to speak the truth with no fear of reprisal or manipulation. A member of an inter-dependent relationship does not feel compelled to agree with their partner’s point of view or make their partner into something else. They are content and willing to let them grow at their own rate. In an inter-dependent relationship, it is a given that each partner is of equal value, although they hold different skills…like the navigator and the Captain of a ship…more tomorrow…
FINALLY someone has de-mystified relationship terminology in a way that makes sense.
So THAT's what co-dependence is. Doesn't sound like much fun from the outside looking in does it??
So why do so many of us let ourselves fall into it so eassily and get stuck in there for so long?
Posted by: Deb | December 08, 2005 at 03:26 PM